5 Controlling Behaviors to Avoid in Marriage

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you – 1 Peter 5:7

I shared in my newsletter a few weeks ago that I still struggle with some control issues. My husband was laying in bed looking at his phone about an hour and a half before he needed to be at work. I walked out of the bathroom and saw him, and I opened my mouth to make a comment about him needing to get up and get ready for work instead of being on his phone. I immediately thought: you don’t need to tell him when to get up – you’re not his mom.

Sister, it was in that moment that I realized that I am still battling some control issues.

Trying to control the lives of others, and every detail of those lives, is exhausting. It’s also alienating and damaging to any relationship. As I am walking through the process of releasing control, I want to encourage you to release some controlling behaviors that we often don’t recognize are controlling. 

I’ll be honest with you.I often believe that I am helping, or that I need to do these things, but I don’t. My attempts to control are showing a lack of trust in God’s ability to be all-knowing and able to take care of those I love. 

1. Needing to know everything – My husband once told me that it is impossible to surprise me. He expressed that I ask so many questions and micromanage to the point that it takes the fun away from trying to surprise me. My need to know all of the details can feel constricting and confining to those I love. 

2. Spying/Snooping – These behaviors are closely related to needing to know it all, but if we spy on others or snoop we violate their trust. People have a right to their privacy, and we don’t have a license to cross those boundaries. Our husbands should be able to have a conversation without us constantly asking who they are talking to, and they should be able to trust us.
3. Withholding sex or affection – When we don’t get our way, it can be tempting to turn our backs on our spouses, right? Have you ever thought: He better not try to touch me because I’m angry with him. When we withhold sex or affection, we are using it as a tool of manipulation to get our way. It becomes a reward or punishment instead of being a natural result of our unconditional love. 
4. Emotional outbursts – Have you ever heard the phrase “if mama ain’t happy then no one is happy”. The sentiment is that when she is upset the whole house suffers the consequences. We create homes that are run by fear of our wrath rather than love when our families are afraid that we are going to yell, use profanity, or become aggressive when we are upset. 
5. The silent treatment – Sometimes in our anger and disappointment with our spouses, we employ the silent treatment. We refuse to communicate. This can go on for hours, or even worse, for days and weeks. The goal is that our silence punishes our partner into submission. The problem is that the silent treatment punishes us both. It opens the door for the misunderstanding, cold hearts, and damaging distance to come between us. 

I’ve found that the root of our controlling behavior is fear. Either we fear that something bad will happen without our control, that we won’t be prepared when something happens, or that things won’t be done “right” and result in chaos or disaster. 

God hasn’t given us fear, Sister. He promises us that in His word, and our need to control reveals that He needs to deal with some fear in our hearts.

Go to Him today, and lay your control issues out before Him. Ask Him to remove the fear from your heart and give you the strength you need to release control to Him.

He is much better at running the world than we are.