3 Things to Do When the Attack Feels Personal

Also do not take to heart everything people say, Lest you hear your servant cursing you. For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others. Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

It’s not personal. You’ve heard that before. You have probably said it, but I want to encourage you to believe it today. It’s not personal.

Your spouse may have said something harsh, done something wrong, or made a bad choice, but even though it affects you, it’s not really about you. Their choices are made based on their beliefs, how they have been shaped, and what they think.

They are probably fighting an internal battle. Their own shame, disappointment, and conflict may be the driving force behind their anger or lashing out. I’m not trying to excuse their behavior…wrong is wrong…I’m trying to help you process it.

It’s not personal, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling personal does it?

What do you do when it feels personal?

1) Step back – whether that is taking a walk, leaving the room, or going for a drive, you are going to need a moment to process your feelings. We are closer to our husbands than anyone, and sometimes that makes everything seem personal. You have to take a moment so that you don’t lash out in anger and retaliation.

2) Dig in – this is where you have to dig a little deeper to determine what the issue really is and who the issue belongs to. Is this an issue between the two of you, or is it something that one of you needs to work out independently? Don’t carry blame or shame that is not yours, but at the same time you must own your stuff.

3) Do the work – After you address an issue there must be effort to correct it. Now, we have to be careful here. You can’t fix people, but you can fix problems. You can’t change your husband. You can create an atmosphere conducive to change, but he still has to do the work that change requires. It’s the same with you. You have to do your part too.

I love that the verse from today reminds us that we also mess up. It’s easy to take our husband’s actions personally and our actions lightly, but that should not be the case. We both have issues to address, traumas to heal from, and strides to make.

Keep your heart free and light. Process things with God, and move forward as He directs you. Don’t spend your time fighting your spouse because it feels personal.