Let's Talk About Sex
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:4-5
I didn't want to write this blog post. Maybe that's why it is late (between that, a flight home, a presentation, and a very late night). At 44 years old, I still feel a little weird writing the word "sex" in the title. After all, I'm a good church girl (LOL). Sex is definitely not a bad word, but it's not a word we used growing up. We didn't talk about it, which is probably why I struggled in this area early in marriage. So, no, I didn't want to write this post, but I had to. We have to. So many marriages are failing because sex is an issue, and it really doesn't have to be. So, let's talk.
Issue: Sex in marriage is an issue for the very reason I just described. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about it's importance. We just think it will happen. Husbands have their set of expectations. Wives have theirs, and if there is no conversation about it someone's expectation goes unmet. We don't talk about how frequent it should be. We don't talk about what we like and don't like during sex. We simply don't talk.
Remedy: Have a conversation. Discuss what your needs really are. Come to an agreement regarding how frequent it should be. Schedule it if you have to, but make sure you are having an open, honest conversation about it.
Issue: We think it's just sex, and it's not that big of a deal. My husband made an amazing, eye-opening point on a Facebook Live we did last week. He said that when we say no to them regarding sex we are rejecting them - not having sex. He said most men have been rejected in some way since they were younger and to come home and be rejected by the one person who has truly accepted them is painful. I've never thought of it like that, and maybe you haven't either, but now you should. It's not just sex. It's feeling wanted. Feeling desired. Feeling safe with the one who knows everything about you and wants you anyway. Let's be clear - it's not just sex.
Remedy: Eliminate excuses. Stop thinking of only yourself, and think about the needs of your spouse. Does he feel wanted? Needed? Appreciated? Have you rejected them even when you thought you had a "real" reason for saying no? Is being too tired, having a headache, or just not wanting to a good enough reason to damage your husband and your marriage? What things can you put into place to eliminate the excuses?
Issue: We use sex as some type of reward or punishment. If your spouse acts the way you think they should act, help you with the kids, or does buys you some wonderful gift he "deserves" sex, but if he does something you don't agree with or doesn't do what you want he better not rub your leg in the middle of the night or even think that he has a chance of being intimate. This is wrong on all levels. It's manipulation, and it's ungodly. Sex is about intimacy. It's not a weapon or a tool. To use it as such damages your spouse and your marriage. Both of you need a healthy sex life, whether you think so or not. Don't be so prideful and controlling that you withhold sex to get what you want. God is not pleased.
Remedy: Stop it. That may sound harsh, but it's the only remedy. Sex is not just about you. It's about your marriage. The bible is very clear that we shouldn't withhold sex from our spouses, and we certainly shouldn't hold it over their heads as something to work for. Sex isn't earned anymore than love is. Your spouse doesn't need to be controlled. They need to be loved. And honestly, there is no better way to make up after a disagreement.
These are a few of the issues that I have seen over the years, what other issues/remedies can you add?